Shinobi Dentistry
by Mr. Boomba
Summary: Everyone goes to the dentist, even shinobi, right? Delve into the heart of Shinobi Dentistry, as Naruto goes to his first appointment. Ever. Crack fic. Possible romance pending.


Yosh, its moi, Hidatsa-san, back from the pits of obscurity. This story was inspired by OpposingForce's Peanut Butter and Crack. This story is inspired by that fiction, not based on. I respect and acknowledge OpposingForce as an excellent author of several fan fictions, one of which I have on my favorites list. If you think I am in any way biting off of him or some other non-sensual hate filled quip, fist yourself then proceed to wrap some twine around your throat. Failing that, if I got your IP Address, it would have been a sweet mercy. This fan fiction was made based on the assumption OpposingForce has perfected the art of apathy. I was listening to "Bohemian Rhapsody" during the duration of writing this piece and watching every single Star Wars movie known to men.

**Put the keys in the car… turn it on… let's ride!**

Some people may enjoy going to the dentist. Most of the time, these people either have very fucked up teeth, (the kind where you can see bits of meat and spices on their buckteeth, and if they have braces… all the plaque just gathers around the brackets, don't ask me, I know some very nasty and lazy people) or possibly take enjoyment from the dentist reprimanding them about taking care of their teeth or possibly they have a BDSM thing going on. You can go ask some one, but one thing is for sure, Shinobi go to the dentist too.

**Hokage's Office**

"Naruto, I have something very important to tell you", sighed the aging old man

"OH KAMI, YOU ELECTED ME HOKAGE RIGHT!" screamed the hyperactive color blind academy student.

"No Naruto, I'm not sorry" the old man responded as he took another puff from his bottomless tobacco pipe. "But I do have great news. I've arranged a dentist appointment for you, since I've noticed your teeth are discolored and corroding."

"OH MAN, THAT'S A GOOD THING RIGHT? AND THIS "DENTIST" MUST BE A HIGHLY TRAINED NINJA YOU'VE MADE TO BE MY PERSONAL SENSEI RIGHT?" he screeched as he filled himself with delusions of majesty and grandeur.

The third hokage could feel his wrinkles growing and his ear drums throb from Naruto's yelling and generally strenuous and annoying to deal with nature. Of course, Sandaime being the nice guy he was, decided to let it roll off him and personally cater to an absurd child's questions. But that didn't mean he couldn't make a child cry in the privacy of his office.

"Naruto, it's a bad thing. Your teeth aren't as shiny white and strong as shinobi teeth should be. Furthermore, a dentist is not related to the shinobi arts in anyway; a dentist cleans your teeth and makes them ready and presentable once more." Sandaime rolled his eyes as he saw the young imitation Irishmen looking at him expectantly. "NARUTO, every single hokage has had impeccable dental records. Don't you want to be the future hokage? Look at my teeth." The old man promptly took his pipe out of his mouth showed Naruto his sparkling grillz.

Naruto sullenly nodded his head in understanding, and the third hokage could make out faint whimpering and weeping sounds coming from the child. He giggled in triumphant as Naruto looked up at him with a burning fire in his eyes.

"Hokage-sama, I will not fail you! I will become Hokage! I WILL MAKE MY TEETH CLEAN ONCE MORE!" Naruto roared with determination.

"Excellent Naruto!" Sarutobi handed him a scroll. "Be present at the location and on the time indicated in the scroll. Make me proud son!"

Naruto nodded vigorously with stars in his eyes and quickly ran out of the room. Sandaime laid back in his chair his pipe returning to its rightful place. "Ahh, I do enjoy fucking around with that kid."

So after Naruto, midget eight year old Japanese blonde annoying orange wearing shit extraordinaire, was informed by the Hokage that he was to immediately undergo oral surgery caused by his teeth being rapidly decayed and grated down due to Naruto's "Ramen & Clabber Milk" diet (© 1998-2006, call for food orders and consultation). Naruto, being the stereotypical anime portrayed blonde he is, took this news with inquisitive ears. He then proceeded to run around his flat, yelling to the great heavens above that he had a dentist appointment.

**Day of the Dentist Appointment**

Naruto waited in the patients' lobby with bated breath. He had no idea how exactly the dentist would go about cleaning and mending his teeth. Would it hurt? Would it be enjoyable? Naruto shook his head. It didn't matter. It was his duty to himself and all of Konoha. He would revive the flaming youth of his once beautiful choppers to their former glory. Somewhere faraway and thankfully shielded from the outside world, both Gai and Lee sneezed, sweaty and staring at each other, as they continue with one of their more intense "training sessions".

Naruto was snapped out of his line of thought as he heard his name called out in a foreign western-like accent.

"Na-roo-toe Oo-zoo-mah-key?" the bleached blonde receptionist drawled as she took another drag from her cigarette, continuing to read her personal copy of YM Magazine without looking up. Naruto looked up in confusion as he heard his name pronounced backwards and pronounced incorrectly. He hesitantly walked towards the front desk which was a foot taller than him.

"The name's Uzumaki Naruto, and don't you forget it! I'm ready for my teeth cleaning so I can become Hokage in a desperate attempt to make people notice and love me!"

The receptionist looked up with feigned interest taking a deep puff of her cigarette. "Excuse me boy? Where are you?"

Naruto grunted in exertion as he jumped up, gripping the counter top, crawling on top of it. He tried to put on an angered face which morphed into a kind of "I'm trying to hold it in and I just felt a spurt!" look. She blew cigarette smoke into his face with a tired expression.

"Ahuh, I know, the world needs subtitles. Step through the door to my left and a nurse will guide you. Have a positively dreadful day" she responded detachedly while flipping to the next page in her magazine. 'Oo', she thought. 'How to get a hot guy to give you an Australian kiss¹ without returning the favor! Noice!'

With his voiced objections and unskilled attempts to insults lost on dead ears, he 'hmphed' and proceeded to enter the aforementioned door to meet his dental fate.

"Hey lady, there isn't any door here!" he exclaimed excitedly while dry humping the wall in an attempt to some how make the door appear. "Reveal to me your secrets!" he hissed furiously banging his head on the wall.

"I SAID MY LEFT ASS TRUFFLE! GET THE FUCK IN THERE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!" the receptionist screeched finally losing her cool.

"Sheesh, you think some people would treat you nice due to age and childish good looks, but nooo", concluded Naruto as he preceded through the correct the door. Just as the door was closing, the receptionist flashed the middle finger, to which Naruto retorted, "Cum guzzling gutter whore!"

Following closely after his entrance, a random nurse popped out of no where exclaiming with a bright and perky smile (as perky as a fat intern with no possible chances of losing her virginity to another human).

"Hey baby the name's Anne and I'll be helping y'all today. C'mon with me into this here room please".

Naruto knew from the second he heard her deep husky man voice that something was wrong. He looked back towards the door to find some means of sanctuary, but found it to be guarded by duplicates of the same crazy man lady in front of him. The growth stunted genin moved off to the side and tried to make sense of everything as the ladies started throwing punches at him.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM MAN LADY!" Naruto hollered as he blocked and dodged the weird fat ass man lady intern's punches from going to where they shouldn't be going to.

"HOLD STILL DAMNIT!" all of the "Raggedy Anne's" roared in unison still trying to capture/rape/hurt/love Naruto.

One of the Anne's got in a lucky punch across the back of Naruto's head and, though unfocused for only a moment, the nurses had capitalized Naruto style and dog piled on top of him. Naruto knew what was going to happen. 'Oh kami, please, have mercy!'

Far from all of Naruto's perverted thoughts though, the original Anne cried out, "I finally got the damned thing!" It turned out that Anne (all of the other clones had conveniently disappeared through a plot hole) had only been trying to kill a mosquito on his back. Though, of course, Naruto didn't believe it one bit as he was led into the one of the rooms with a smack on the ass.

"Okay hottie, doc'll be right up to see to ya" Anne said before finally leaving much to the relief of Naruto and much to the dismay of the average perverted reader. (Yeah, don't think I'll go all 'Hinata's Desire' on ya here).

**Several unexciting flaccid inducing minutes later**

Naruto quickly pulled his pants back up and lay back down on the chair as he sensed a presence drawing closer to the room. Thinking of rainbows and Anne, he willed his blood to flow back throughout his body. The door slowly clicked open. He turned around, scratched his ass, flared his nostrils, sniffed up some snot, release a loud and unappealing flatus, and much to his surprise, still standing there after his appalling presentation of indecency, was the one and only…

**TBC**

¹Just a regular kiss, but down under!

I don't really expect anyone to be on the edge of their crappy revolving seats at this obvious cliffhanger, though I do hope you all clean after yourselves. So yes, to answer any and all questions, my first fiction isn't dead to me, and isn't dead to you. I may continue this, pending school progression and how much I really care. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I could have really written more, and may upload a longer chapter to replace this. Bah, whatever, Ja ne.


End file.
